Personal Rant
15 July 2016 18:58![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
chien_rouge525As everyone already knows, I am a fanfic author. I admit not the best, but I do get the joy of writing scenarios from my head starring my favorited anime characters and/or celebrities. As I result of my not so conventional likes and dislikes, I have a few friends with whom I can connect with. And one of them happens to be a very close friend whom I consider the sister I never had. We were the typical hate before love friendship and it blossomed from when we found our love for Pokemon. Not a lot of people understood us. But we knew each other quite well and that was good enough for us. Or at least I thought it was.
I'm a year older. I'm literally her senior. So when we parted ways in elementary, I went off to highschool and when we met again, I was in my third year and she had just recently transferred to my school in her second year. Things started to go downhill from then.
Or maybe even back when I nearly cut off all communication with her. I was so busy and I knew she was too. I was in the science curriculum with a lot of schoolwork on my hands and she was starting her highschool life and meeting new friends. I didn't want to bother her. And when third year high school began and research and my future not to mention keeping my grades up was running in my mind, I had nearly no time for her. In fact, I used to always hang out with her and now I was stuck in my books, finishing off papers all while juggling my decrepit social life. Our talking time lessened. We would text each other. Greet each other on our birthdays. And a happy new year. And every time we talked, we would talk for hours till no end.
Then senior year and I was even busier with entrance exams and all. I barely had enough time for myself. I was stressing over school and my ridiculous friendship with my ridiculous "friends". When I already noticed, she was starting to slip from my fingers. There was the occasional talking and calling but the time on the phone was almost as nonexistent as my love-life. But I kept telling myself I'm not her only world. She did not revolve around my fingers and that our friendship is not as fragile. It hurt me a little though, when a classmate of mine whose bestfriend was in the same year as MY bestfriend were so close and yet I couldn't even say hello to her normally anymore. I kept avoiding her because she was with her friends and I feared the looks she would get if I got close to her. But I guess I was just making excuses because really, I was scared. Scared that our friendship really was over and that I was no longer her bestest bestfriend. I told her once about it and she reassured me that nothing would trample on her love for me, but I was still scared and angry at myself for feeling that I could not trust her words and comparing our friendship to the friendship of others.
So when summer after the first academic year started I decided I wanted to return to the way we were before.
No mattr how old I got, I still followed the anime trends and had a new fandom of my own, this being the things I write about and she had the same fandoms too. Of course I won't lie. I entered the fandom because of her, because I wanted to have things to talk about again, but I really did want to try and it is fun. It really is
This summer I had a lot of fanfictions piled up and one of them happened to be the one I'm working on right now. I decided if I could collab with her on this one fanfiction, maybe I could regain a few of our friendship again.
She seemed pretty happy about it and I was giddy at being able to make something with her again (The last time was in elementary and that was when we planted a tree!) I told her to go nuts with her writing. I let her do what she wanted and that I would send in the draft the next day. Sometimes I think it was because I did not send in the draft of the first part. She's busy right now as she is in her senior year. But I know she's not the kind of person to sulk over something like that. And even if she were busy, if it were me, she would reply in the jiff. I had sent the draft, and told her to go nuts with it as well as we were collaborating on the fic. And I genuinely needed her help here. I expected her to reply in about three days since she told me she had a few exams to finish.
Yet, she left me on the seen.
In the back of my mind, there's that voice saying, she downloaded it and she saw it and she's reading it and she will most definitely come to you.
But my heart isn't listening and it's telling me our friendship is over. That she's simply forcing herself to be friendly with me because I'm an immature college student who still can't move on from the days we spent at our elementary. That she's waiting for me to tell her 'I don't wanna be friends anymore'. But I can't do that
And I know she doesn't feel that way.
That's why I hate myself
For thinking such things, it's almost as if I have betrayed her and left her for good.
I'm a year older. I'm literally her senior. So when we parted ways in elementary, I went off to highschool and when we met again, I was in my third year and she had just recently transferred to my school in her second year. Things started to go downhill from then.
Or maybe even back when I nearly cut off all communication with her. I was so busy and I knew she was too. I was in the science curriculum with a lot of schoolwork on my hands and she was starting her highschool life and meeting new friends. I didn't want to bother her. And when third year high school began and research and my future not to mention keeping my grades up was running in my mind, I had nearly no time for her. In fact, I used to always hang out with her and now I was stuck in my books, finishing off papers all while juggling my decrepit social life. Our talking time lessened. We would text each other. Greet each other on our birthdays. And a happy new year. And every time we talked, we would talk for hours till no end.
Then senior year and I was even busier with entrance exams and all. I barely had enough time for myself. I was stressing over school and my ridiculous friendship with my ridiculous "friends". When I already noticed, she was starting to slip from my fingers. There was the occasional talking and calling but the time on the phone was almost as nonexistent as my love-life. But I kept telling myself I'm not her only world. She did not revolve around my fingers and that our friendship is not as fragile. It hurt me a little though, when a classmate of mine whose bestfriend was in the same year as MY bestfriend were so close and yet I couldn't even say hello to her normally anymore. I kept avoiding her because she was with her friends and I feared the looks she would get if I got close to her. But I guess I was just making excuses because really, I was scared. Scared that our friendship really was over and that I was no longer her bestest bestfriend. I told her once about it and she reassured me that nothing would trample on her love for me, but I was still scared and angry at myself for feeling that I could not trust her words and comparing our friendship to the friendship of others.
So when summer after the first academic year started I decided I wanted to return to the way we were before.
No mattr how old I got, I still followed the anime trends and had a new fandom of my own, this being the things I write about and she had the same fandoms too. Of course I won't lie. I entered the fandom because of her, because I wanted to have things to talk about again, but I really did want to try and it is fun. It really is
This summer I had a lot of fanfictions piled up and one of them happened to be the one I'm working on right now. I decided if I could collab with her on this one fanfiction, maybe I could regain a few of our friendship again.
She seemed pretty happy about it and I was giddy at being able to make something with her again (The last time was in elementary and that was when we planted a tree!) I told her to go nuts with her writing. I let her do what she wanted and that I would send in the draft the next day. Sometimes I think it was because I did not send in the draft of the first part. She's busy right now as she is in her senior year. But I know she's not the kind of person to sulk over something like that. And even if she were busy, if it were me, she would reply in the jiff. I had sent the draft, and told her to go nuts with it as well as we were collaborating on the fic. And I genuinely needed her help here. I expected her to reply in about three days since she told me she had a few exams to finish.
Yet, she left me on the seen.
In the back of my mind, there's that voice saying, she downloaded it and she saw it and she's reading it and she will most definitely come to you.
But my heart isn't listening and it's telling me our friendship is over. That she's simply forcing herself to be friendly with me because I'm an immature college student who still can't move on from the days we spent at our elementary. That she's waiting for me to tell her 'I don't wanna be friends anymore'. But I can't do that
And I know she doesn't feel that way.
That's why I hate myself
For thinking such things, it's almost as if I have betrayed her and left her for good.
